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Desperately Dueling Susan/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Joey, Melvin, Kaiba, Tristan, Mokuba, Téa, Duke, Espa Roba, Roba baby, Serenity, Ishizu, Ryo Bakura Running Time: 11:01 Transcript standard flying cards opening YAMI: This show doesn't make references; everyone else is just referencing me! (on the top of the Duel Tower) JOEY: I'm warning you, Melvin. Don't even think about pulling any funny business during this Duel. MELVIN: Don't worry, Susan. This is going to be a fun, clean game. No bloodshed whatsoever. JOEY: Well, good. MELVIN: Tell me, would you prefer to be burned alive or just asphyxiated? JOEY: Nyeh? But you just said— MELVIN: I assure you, both methods are quite clean. No muss, no fuss. JOEY: Go hump a stump, pineapple head! MELVIN: Burned alive, it is. KAIBA: This is going to be one satisfying duel. Not only do I get to see the Winged Dragon of Ra in action, but I also get to watch Wheeler lose in the most important duel of his life. If I still believed in Santa Claus, I'd think today was Christmas. TRISTAN: Stupid Kaiba! Santa Claus is real! I know because I met him. YAMI: Tristan, we keep telling you: that was a homeless man. TRISTAN: But he asked me to sit in his lap. YAMI: Yes, he did. TRISTAN: And I did. YAMI: Yes, you did. Merry Christmas, Tristan. (Title sequence) MELVIN: Why the long face, Susan? Are you worried about that girl I sent to the Shadow Realm? JOEY: Actually, I have a long face 'cause I'm a poorly designed anime character. MELVIN: It just so happens I have a postcard from her right here. (holds up a postcard with a picture of himself on its front) It says, "Dear Susan. I'm having lots of fun on my vacation. The tentacle monsters have been especially friendly. And I can practically feel myself wasting away to nothing. Hope you're doing well. Thanks for not saving my soul. Sincerely, a whore." JOEY: Are you here to talk, Melvin, or are you here to duel? YAMI: (thinking) I always thought those were the same thing. MELVIN: If it makes you feel any better, you'll soon be joining her! Because this duel is now a Shadow Game! (dark clouds surround the arena) MOKUBA: Seto, Melvin's invoking the power of Satan again. KAIBA: Eh, I'll allow it. MELVIN: This Shadow Game will be like no other. For in this Duel, when we lose Life Points, the damage will be taken out on our bodies as well. JOEY: What happens when my Life Points reach 0? MELVIN: That depends. Have you been a good Susan or a bad Susan? JOEY: My name is not— (Joey's Panther Warrior is electrocuted and Joey screams in pain) MELVIN: A very bad Susan indeed. And when your Life Points hit 0, you'll go where all bad Susans go: Card Game Hell. YAMI: No, not Card Game Hell! It's just like the real world, only there are no card games. It's awful. MELVIN: The shadows are growing impatient, Susan. They're on a very tight schedule. They need to get to work by 9 o'clock. JOEY: What are you even saying right now? MELVIN: It's your turn, frig-face! JOEY: Oh, right. I summon Scapegoat to protect my Life Points! SCAPEGOATS: Dodabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaabaa. YAMI: Those are some annoying Scapegoats. JOEY: Now, Panther Warrior, attack Melvin's monster and take his Life Points! (Panther Warrior attacks and destroys Melvin's Gil Garth, knocking Melvin back) MELVIN: Hrrr! (chuckles evilly) Thank you sir, would you like another? JOEY: Wait, don't you mean, "may I have another?" MELVIN: With pleasure! JOEY: Wait, no— (Joey is shocked off-screen, with Téa, Yami, Tristan and Duke watching) DUKE: (SexyBack plays in the background) This Melvin guy is nucking futs! YAMI: Indeed. This Duel has more tension in it than Téa's bra straps. TÉA: Jiggle, jiggle! MELVIN: The shadows are hungry! They haven't eaten since breakfast and they're on a cleansing diet. JOEY: What? MELVIN: It's your move, frig-for-brains! JOEY: Oh, okay. I activate a Magic Card I like to call, "Question"! 'Cause that's what it's called! It's the name of the card! That's why I like to call it that! Question! This card lets me summon the monster at the bottom of my Graveyard, unless you can guess which monster it is! MELVIN: No! I've been monologuing for so long that I've completely forgotten which monster I destroyed first! JOEY: And here comes Jinzo! (summons Jinzo from his Graveyard) (thinking) I remember when I first got this card from Espa Roba back in season 2. (flashback to unused scene from episode 29) JOEY: You know, we are actually a lot alike, Roba brothers. We both care about our families, even if everybody else thinks we're just a bunch of freaks. ESPA: We're not freaks! We are perfectly normal carnival folk! Now, would you like to purchase our baby? We no longer have any use for it! (end flashback) JOEY: That baby was worth every penny. I wonder how Serenity is getting along with it? (cut to blimp with Serenity holding the Roba baby) ROBA BABY: This diaper doesn't deserve a spot on my bum, but it might make a good coaster for my drink! SERENITY: (on the phone) Yes, hello, I'd like to put a baby up for adoption. (cut back to Duel) MOKUBA: Hey, Seto. It looks like Joey might actually win. KAIBA: Mokuba, if Joey wins this duel, I'll gladly give you control of KaibaCorp. MOKUBA: Yay! I will call it Mokusoft and we will develop frustrating operating systems that nobody wants to develop for! KAIBA: Yeah. You do that. MELVIN: Enough of this! It's time to summon my Egyptian God card! TÉA, JOEY, YAMI, MOKUBA and DUKE: Egyptian God card?! TRISTAN: Egyptian God ca—aww... MELVIN: Now, to bring forth my great beast by speaking aloud the ancient Egyptian chant! (starts reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss in reverse and continues into the background) TÉA: Pharaoh, you speak Egyptian, right? What's he saying? YAMI: Um... I'm pretty sure he's saying, "Does anybody know where I can find the train station?" TÉA: I don't think that's what he's actually saying. YAMI: Téa, I'm the Pharaoh. I think you'll find that I practically invented the language. TÉA: Then why was there a word for trains before trains even existed? YAMI: Well, Téa, we also had a word for "annoying naggy bitch" long before you existed. Go figure. TRISTAN: Such a wise culture. (Melvin succeeds in summoning The Winged Dragon of Ra) MELVIN: Rise, Chicken! Arise! Hahahaha! Behold, my Egyptian God card! TRISTAN: Egyptian God card? YAMI: No, Tristan, we're not doing that anymore. TRISTAN: Aww... (cut back to blimp with Serenity watching over Mai and the Roba baby crying in the background) ROBA BABY: Wah! Wah! Wah! I'm a baby! (continues in the background, inaudible to this transcriber) SERENITY: I swear, if I have to put up with this baby for one more minute— ISHIZU: Hello, Serenity. I imagine that you're quite worried about your brother right now. SERENITY: Huh? Oh, um, yes. I'd give anything to be watching him duel. Would you mind watching this baby while I go support him? ISHIZU: Of course, Serenity. Go be with your brother. (Roba Baby stops crying) SERENITY: Thank God—I mean, thank you, Ishizu. ISHIZU: Hello there, little guy. ROBA BABY: This poo doesn't deserve a spot in my diaper, but it might make a good coaster for my drink! ISHIZU: Oh, God, what have I agreed to? (cut back to Duel) MELVIN: Prepare yourself, Susan, to face the wrath of Mega Ultra Chicken! JOEY: Okay, hacks! I call hacks! MELVIN: What? Hacks? JOEY: You totally hacked that card! MELVIN: The frig makes you say that? JOEY: Well, how else would you unlock Moltres when you're not even in the Kanto region? MELVIN: You realize of course that you deserve to die for that joke alone. JOEY: Totally worth it. MELVIN: Attack, Mega Ultra Chicken! Wahahahahahaha! (Joey screams in pain as the attack connects) TÉA and DUKE: Joey! TRISTAN: Egyptian God card! MELVIN: The goof, the goof, the goof is on fire! He don't need no water; let the motherf***er burn! Ahahaha! There's no way he could withstand an attack like that. Haha— Nanda!? (smoke clears to reveal Joey still standing) TÉA: Joey! He's okay! YAMI: Now all he has to do is declare an attack and he's won the Duel! MOKUBA: Come on, Mokusoft! KAIBA: I've made a terrible mistake. JOEY: (thinking) I gotta win this Duel. But I can barely find the strength to stand. (an apparition of Yami appears in front of Joey) YAMI: Joey. You must go to the Dagobah system. There, you will meet Yoda, the duelist who trained me. JOEY: Yoda? Dagobah system? YAMI: Haha, I'm just messing with you, Joey. I just love to project myself into people's minds and quote Star Wars at them. JOEY: I think I'm going to die, Yug. YAMI: Use the Force, Joey! JOEY: What? YAMI: Kidding! The Force isn't real. But you should totally believe in the Heart of the Cards. Because that is a thing. DUKE: (SexyBack plays in the background) Joey looks like he's going to collapse at any moment! TÈA: No! Joey can still win this game! All we have to do is believe in him with all of our might, and he'll be okay! (closes her eyes and starts chanting) Believe. Believe. Believe. (Duke, Tristan and Mokuba join her chanting) MELVIN: What the frig is this bulls***? (Joey collapses before he can declare an attack with Gearfried the Iron Knight) MELVIN: Well, that happened. TÉA: Okay, so... which one of y'all motherf***ers didn't believe hard enough? YAMI: What' s that? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What are we doing? TÉA: Pharaoh, you just made Joey lose a card game. YAMI: No, I didn't. TÉA: Yes, you did! YAMI: Well, you made me lose all the joy in my life. So we're even. MOKUBA: You just cost me my own company, you son of a bitch! (Ryo Bakura appears as a thought bubble in Yami's head) BAKURA: Check his pulse, Yugi! YAMI: Hey, guys. Remember when Bakura said to "check his pulse"? Wouldn't it be funny if— MOKUBA: He doesn't have a pulse! YAMI: I suppose you're going to blame me for that as well, Téa. TÉA: Yes. YAMI: (impersonating Téa's voice) Yes. Oh, Yugi, let's go out on a date and talk about how we're friends and friendship and all that stuff. (back to his normal voice) That's what you sound like. SERENITY: No! My brother! TRISTAN: It's okay, guys. I know CPR! (shouting at Joey) Wake up! Wake... up! Why aren't you waking up?! MOKUBA: I'm gonna call a real doctor. TRISTAN: Maybe punching him will work! (Tristan is ready to punch Joey, but Duke stops him) DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background) If any of you ladies require CPR, then I am fully qualified. (Joey is carried away on a stretcher) YAMI: Come on, guys, what's the big deal? I've been dead for thousands of years and yet nobody makes a fuss over that! Oh, I see. He gets his own stretcher while I have to walk around like everybody else. Is that it? I was dead first, you know! This is BS, man! (ending sequence; "Fire Water Burn" plays) CAPTION: baby is that anyway? (The postcard shown by Melvin earlier is now onscreen. It reads, "Greetings from the Shadow Realm!") (Stinger) (cut to scene from episode 113) LEICHTER: (in Tristan's body; voiced by Sean Schemmel) You can't begin to imagine what monster lurks in my deck! YAMI: Tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded And that heaven is overrated? LEICHTER: Oh you'll find out; I'm about to summon it! (post-ending; cut to Tristan still holding Joey) TRISTAN: Joey! Wake up! Duke is making out with your sister! It's really gross! Joey! We have, like, a whole deep-dish pizza and nobody's eating it! Oh, wait... you're from... you're from Brooklyn... that's not Chicago. You're not from Chicago, Joey! Joey, I farted and it smells really bad! You should wake up and smell it! What else should I say? Joey... Joey, there is the vagina! I don't know. Joey, Mai just woke up and she's walking around topless! I don't think we're going to survive. Um... Joey! In a few hours, the sun is going to rise! (screen fades to black) CAPTION: blooper YAMI: Now all he has to do is declare an attack— (starts speaking incomprehensibly) That's all he has to do. Right there. MOKUBA: I shall call it Mokusoft and we shall make develop things that are developed by me! (snickers) That's what we'll do! 3x12